[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
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superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate