[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
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“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside