{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
You Might Also Like
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.