A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
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Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?