[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
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My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Oh no
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito