[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
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If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.