[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
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The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…