[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
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We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
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