[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
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Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!