[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
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Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
goldfish mafia
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL