[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
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“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.