[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
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If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Smooooooth
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.