[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
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My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family