(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
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My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
🔦🌙👣
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
This is a sub tweet
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes