[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
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Who did it better?
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*