[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
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Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Van Gone
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.