[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
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When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Goodnight 🐶