(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
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I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
absolutely not
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.