the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
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Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.