My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
You Might Also Like
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
never deleting this app.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.