(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
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I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing