This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
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I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately