GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
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“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?