[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
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When news reporters do sports stories
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.