Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
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A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”