@XplodingUnicorn: Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

@ndiquote: Plot Twist Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he's emailing everyone now.

@Bonkaz: Flies & moths are so dumb. You can fly anywhere in the world for free with no passport and you decide to fly into my room. You will die.

@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Why should we hire you for our research team?" Me: "I went to the second page on a Google search once."

@TheTweetOfGod: Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It's the most important meal.