[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
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Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.