[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
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Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’