[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
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Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
WHY?!
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween