Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
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I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Sorry I didn鈥檛 make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it鈥檚 not longer than a week
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
a god among men
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Today鈥檚 kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 馃槀
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can鈥檛 choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I鈥檓 just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Me: At least I鈥檝e lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
My son told me I鈥檓 not fat I鈥檓 just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Duolingo getting serious.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*