Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
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When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell