*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
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Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Me trying to look natural in photos
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
That took me a moment.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.