1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
You Might Also Like
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Lmfao
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I never needed anything more in my life
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
We’ve all been there
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.