1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
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Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
For anyone who needs this today
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*