1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
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“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.