1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
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3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
August 8
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
this will hang in the louvre one day
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.