Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
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There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!