It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
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A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
For the baby who has everything
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey