[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
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[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Dune (2021)
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Godspeed, John Glenn
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.