*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
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*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?