[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
You Might Also Like
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?