[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
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Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
felt that
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?