1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I don’t think my car can fly
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now