1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats