1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
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When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I am never leaving this website
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.