[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
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If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
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6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?