[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
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[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
hear me out : pockets for your socks