@RoastedPapad: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17,19 etc were the years when I was in my prime.
@KentWGraham: I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
@Lola_Areola: Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
@Laser_Cat: Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
@afloodofblood: Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
@_Shizzle: I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn't work out, but he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met.