“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
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I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
R.I.P.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.