2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
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Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese